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What do you think of my story?
This is for english essay for fantsy my teacher says I don't have much creativitie so I have to do this for extra credit.= P
My mother is in a room so elegant with ivory curtains and diamond chandeliers. The room is lighted with not light bulbs but candles. This is not a black out or a power failure. The year is 1687. The year my mother changed into a vampire. That changed ruined my life.
“My, Draken! You have such a beautiful house! It is so big for someone who isn’t so rich in the 15th century!”
“But alas my beautiful Alicia, we are here in this house. And it could all be yours my darling.”
“What do you mean?” That was my mother’s last words as a normal human…
“I mean, Alicia that I am a vampire and I’ve decided for you to be my wife!” And with that Draken threw her down onto the velvet chair. He lifted up his head and his fangs grew out. She screamed into the night as the fangs pierced threw her skin.
It's great so far! Just one thing. It seems like the main character is from the future because they know so much about it (electricity and the size of houses). Since this is in first person, the main character would not know about electricity, so I would take out this: "The room is lighted with not light bulbs, but candles. This is not a black out or a power failure." Also, this part can be eliminated "in the 15th century!"... You refer to it like it's the past (it's 2008 to us, but to the character, it's not). Since you like referring to our society, maybe you should consider having a narrator.
You also should edit your story when you are done, because there are numerous grammatical errors.
I hope that this helps you!
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